what i've learnt after 3 years of marriage

On 20 December 2014, V and I exchanged our marriage vows on a lovely little yacht somewhere on the open sea, surrounded by our dearest family and friends.

I still remember how it was raining incessantly that month, but on that day, the sun broke through. And that's just one small example of God's goodness and mercy in our journey as husband and wife.

We crossed the third-year mark while on a road trip to California last month. I must say that whoever thought marriage would equate to living "happily ever after" certainly never tried it! Still, we've had a fulfilling few years together filled with memories that I'll cherish forever.

But before I got married, I struggled a lot with the very concept of marriage and what it would entail. I thought it would be boring. I thought I would feel "trapped" and lose some degree of freedom (okay, all of it, really).

I'm happy to report that I have shaken these thoughts off, though it took me a long while to do so. And by God's grace, I have come to enjoy being a wife.


 what I've learnt after 3 years of marriage

Here are 6 things I've learnt about marriage:

1. Being married doesn't make me any less of a woman.

Once you tie the knot, one of the first questions people around you will inevitably ask is whether you're having kids. I know they mean well, but I don't just want to be regarded as a baby-making machine from this day forward. I am still a woman who has dreams to realise and goals to achieve.

2. Mundane moments are plentiful - but they're also what has helped me grow.

Recently, I did an enneagram test and discovered that my personality type is a 7. According to the test results, I "approach life with curiosity, optimism and a sense of adventure". That also explains why I abhor mundanity and repetition (because they aren't fun or exciting, duh). But that kinda is what marriage looks like once you get settled into a comfortable "flow". You probably already have certain couple habits; well, life's pretty much the same old, same old when you get hitched.

These ordinary moments of life together test me the most - and grow me the most. Cooking, washing the dishes and doing the laundry are things I honestly do not enjoy doing, but I recognise that they are ways in which I am learning to serve and be selfless (my husband will be SO happy to read this!).

3. Problem areas won't disappear; they will be magnified.

Most articles on marriage will tell you this - and it's true. I get sooo irked by V's loud chewing, while he gets upset when I fail to follow his system for doing the dishes, or when I install the toilet paper roll the "wrong way". When we were dating, these were small things we never thought would surface as issues, but they have.

Of course, there are other deeper issues that have revealed themselves throughout the course of our marriage. And I truly appreciate that my husband has served as a faithful friend in that aspect, by making me take a hard look at certain areas of my life that I needed to seek forgiveness from God in, or stop holding onto too tightly.

God created marriage to unfold beauty, depth, strength, and love that could never be discovered in a land of “easy.” God created marriage to help us enter into the world of what real love looks like. If we are able to look past daily irritation, inconvenience, and selfish resentments to get a glimpse of the real thing, it will bring us to our knees in worship. Not of our marriage, but of God, himself. God created marriage to show us what his love for us looks like.
— Adrien Segal, Desiring God

4. You will have to give some things up.

Since I've gotten married, I think the biggest change in my lifestyle is that my schedule has been less filled with spontaneous meet-ups or late-night hangs with friends. To be frank, it's still a struggle for me to relinquish certain things. This is definitely a work in progress.

5. Personal space is important.

I absolutely need - no, crave - time for myself. It's been integral to my sense of well-being when I was unmarried, and it remains so today. My alone time helps me to recharge, reflect, and gives me room to indulge in activities I enjoy. I'm glad that my husband respects this need, and has never given me any grief about it (ok, the fact that he's a total introvert who also needs personal space has helped!).

What I've found useful is to physically demarcate an area in your home that is 100% yours. In our Vancouver apartment, my table is in our bedroom, while V has a separate study table outside. We didn't do this in our Singapore home, and it's definitely something I want to continue practicing when we go back.

6. Your influence and giftings will expand.

The wonderful thing about big life transitions like marriage is that you'll have so many stories to tell, and so many insights to share, with those who are about to take those same steps, or even to those who aren't on this path yet.

My husband has also encouraged me to pursue things I never would've had the gumption to do on my own. Case in point: This blog. I've been writing for most of my adult life, but writing for myself (and not for the company I work for) is pretty unfamiliar territory. But it's been a fun ride so far - and I can't wait to see how God is going to use me and this space for His glory.


If you've made it this far along in the post, I wanna say a huge THANK YOU for reading. And if you are married, I would love to hear your own thoughts and lessons on what it has taught you - just leave a comment below!

 

Additional reading resources on marriage:

Culture's big lie about marriage - RELEVANT magazine

Did you expect your marriage to be easy? - DesiringGod

Will you cleave and leave your man? - DesiringGod

 

xx,
iz